tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-39836485919030629852024-02-06T20:41:54.584-08:00Hope TIL There's a CureUnknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger23125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3983648591903062985.post-48840429647588902242020-08-20T07:56:00.000-07:002020-08-20T07:56:48.673-07:00Back on the Rollercoaster<p> My daughter’s tumor regrew…</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">…after 3 ½ years…<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">…when her lead oncologist just left the hospital…<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">…and in the middle of a global pandemic. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Sometimes things aren’t ideal. Sometimes life isn’t what you
imagined or what you wanted. Sometimes it just sucks. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Today is the day we expect to get results from her latest
testing to help guide our next steps. I’m sure I’ll write more later about
those next steps but for now, I wanted to write about the right now. We’ve
always been really open about this journey and I want to be open about the
journey 2.0. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">There are a lot of weird emotions and thoughts that come
with going back into treatment. See, the first time around, you are terrified
because you don’t know what is coming, but the second time you are terrified
because you do. The first time, you don’t know how lonely it will feel but the second
time you know that you will have a new tribe to fill the void of those who will
bow out. The first time, you cling to your faith and the second time, you grip
that faith just a little tighter. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">They say ignorance is bliss and it’s so true. On October 1,
2014, if you had told me that the next day our baby girl would be in the
operating room for a 15-hour brain surgery, I wouldn’t have been able to handle
that. If you had told me that when I left my house that day to drive 6 hours North
that I wouldn’t come home again for months, I wouldn’t have been able to handle
that either. If we had been told on March 13<sup>th</sup> that we would miss
the rest of the school year and would return to school on the computer in the
Fall, none of us would have been able to handle that. So right now, as I have
no idea what the upcoming weeks, months, and years of treatment might look
like, I know that I can’t handle that knowledge. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">When Tillery was first diagnosed in 2014, so many people rallied
around us in support. Within a few months, only a few people were still
checking in on us. The road of childhood cancer is hard and heavy and unless
you have to walk it, it’s really difficult to opt-in to walk it along with someone
else. Many of the people who jumped in with us then and have jumped back in
with us now are those who have walked it themselves. For many of those close to
us, returning to this journey is reminding you of how hard and heavy it was to
follow along before and we know that’s why we haven’t heard from you. It’s ok. The
hospital is a hard place to be and it’s even harder to choose to be there. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Even with as hard as it was, I’ve often said that our days
in the hospital were the times that I felt closest to Christ. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Those days of desperation with no answers, no
understanding, and no way to see the future, I was in a close relationship with
Jesus as I pleaded with Him daily. There was NOTHING I could do on my own and I
had to give up control and turn it all over to Him. In the years since those
days, I’ve gone through periods of falling out of my faith routine. Sometimes I’ve
tried to take the reigns and be in control of what’s happening. Sometimes I’ve
tried to just find my own answers. Since hearing the news that Tillery’s tumor
has grown, I’ve been in a better routine of prayer and reading Scripture. God
always finds a way to take what you are in and work it for good and I know He
is working for us right now. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I’m not sure what is to come in the next few days and weeks.
I’m not even sure about in the next few hours when we expect to hear from Tillery’s
medical team. What I do know is that we have known that this time may come and
we have done all we could to stay in this world. We have all the resources we
didn’t have 6 years ago and we have faith in our chosen medical team and our
Savior to guide us through this. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">We can’t promise it will always be fun or cute but you know
it will always be honest and true. We will share our hearts and our journey and
allow you to join us as much as you would like. In many ways, it’s a little
easier now. In other ways, it’s much, much harder. Again, I’m grieving the kids
we lost during our first round, as I know those friends won’t be at the hospital
with us this time. I’m also grieving all the new parents we will meet at clinic
as we remember how widespread this childhood cancer world really is. I’m glad
to know of so many great organizations for support but sad that while we’ve
poured into these organizations to help others, now we are back at that place
again, ourselves. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">It’s still a rollercoaster. We never got off it, but the ride
got pretty lame for awhile. Here’s hoping that we remember that even when we go
on a downward spiral or an uphill climb, there will also be times when we
straighten out and catch our breath. We might not get off the ride but we’ve
ridden it before and so we can anticipate the unknown. Buckle up, here we go
again.<o:p></o:p></p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3983648591903062985.post-14103585315993823842017-08-04T18:30:00.000-07:002017-08-04T18:30:18.854-07:00The Problem with SurvivingHere's the problem with your kid surviving cancer... (That's right, I just said that!)<br />
<br />
...You start living your life again like normal.<br />
<br />
You do the things you did before like grocery shop and put off doing the dishes and get busy with life. You go back to work and get back involved with activities outside of the hospital. You get back in a groove and you slowly start letting pieces of that cancer story leave you.<br />
<br />
Then, your child gets a temperature of 100.5 at midnight. Now for you, this means giving a dose of Tylenol and a favorite plush friend and putting them back to bed. For us, the protocol is to call the on-call oncologist and head to the ER. But we have been off of chemo for 7 months and haven't recently had the port accessed so we rolled the dice and did the Tylenol thing. Again, for you, you go back to sleep easily but for us, we lay in bed wondering if we made the right decision or if she will be septic by morning.<br />
<br />
Then, the next morning, your child wakes up and is acting great and dancing around the kitchen. You have breakfast and head to work. The kids play and then take an afternoon nap. You get home from work when naptime is over and your oncology baby has a red face and feels warm again. This time it's 3:30 pm and the ER doesn't sound as inconvenient as it did at midnight. Your only plans were to fold some laundry and cook a chicken and all of that can be put off for tonight.<br />
<br />
So...Go to ER, Labs, Antibiotics, Tylenol, Fluids, Home. Round trip: 4 hours + peace of mind.<br />
<br />
The next morning, same child is back to dancing but you decide to take things easier. Work from home, movies, low stress day. Again, naptime calls and when your oncology baby awakes the fever is back. Oncology says it might be because she just woke up so wait an hour and a half and see if the temp comes down on it's own.<br />
<br />
We aren't rookies: Shower, Snack, Pack a bag, Fold that laundry, and go ahead and leave that chicken for tomorrow. Time's up! Thermometer reads 102.0 and oncology says they will let the ER know we are on the way.<br />
<br />
Go to ER, Labs, Strep Test, Flu Test, Urine Test, Antibiotics, Tylenol, Fluids, aaannnd Admission! The doctors decided to keep her overnight for observation and then another night just to be safe. (Cultures grow within 48 hours so they decided to have us wait it out there.)<br />
<br />
So back to my original statement, here's the problem with your child surviving cancer, you have a life again. Again, you have plans that have to be cancelled. Again, you have things you <i>want </i>to do and things you<i> need</i> to do and you can't do either from a hospital room. Again, you are reminded that your life has forever been changed. Yes, you are so, so glad that your child has survived and you have some normalcy again, but dang if that doesn't make those dips back into it all the more difficult!<br />
<br />
Tonight, we were discharged from the hospital. No more fever and no real answer. Probably just a normal kid virus. Our plans were altered for 4 days as we waited on something to develop that never did. So tonight, we came home and celebrated normalcy by finally cooking that chicken.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3983648591903062985.post-62756813928899665182017-04-25T10:52:00.001-07:002017-04-25T10:52:48.557-07:00Here's My HeartI want to write my heart to you. Right now, my heart is broken and also very full. I need to write it all so hang with me for a bit. <br />
<br />
So I turned 37 on Sunday and was flooded with Facebook birthday wishes. What I noticed, though, was that many made mention to my role as Tillery's mom and the journey we have been on. I realize that most of what people know of me these days is that my child has cancer and if you will give me a few minutes, I'll rattle off statistics that will hurt to hear and then I'll ask you to donate. There have been times in my life that having a label on me has made me unhappy and I've wanted to rebel against it, but this one I wear with pride. I'm glad that when you see my face or my name, you remember my child. I'm glad you remember the little faces I've shared over the years. I'm glad I've said it so much that you haven't had a choice but to hear it. <br />
<br />
We are on the survivor side now. In many ways, this side is harder. My anxiety and worry is heavier than when we were on treatment. My fears are harder to keep at bay. There is also guilt...oh so much guilt. There's the guilt that my child survived and some of my closest friends' children did not. I've got guilt that my child doesn't have the same side effects from treatment that many other kids around us are experiencing. And the daily mom guilt, ugh! If I don't soak up and enjoy every minute with my child, I'm not doing my job as a survivor's mom. If I don't listen to every crazy story and play every game, I feel like I'm letting down all the parents who don't have their children to do these things. <br />
<br />
I want to tell you about 3 experiences I've had during the past 2 days that stirred up emotions that put me on this crazy rollercoaster I'm currently on. <br />
<br />
It started with a baptism. The sweetness of a baptism. Two parents bringing their darling baby to the front of a church and making a covenant with God to trust Him with their child. The baby was sleeping in his mama's arms as the pastor and parents put handfuls of water on his head. We've seen this so often in churches and you probably have the mental picture, perhaps even thinking back on baptisms for your own children. These parents are just like you, loving their baby and filled with hopes for his life and walk with God. The child is just like your child, sweet and small and cuddly. When you left the church with your child, you probably went home that night and said a prayer of thanksgiving for the gift God had given you, just like these parents. But these parents had another plea to God. "Save our son." <br />
<br />
See, this child has a terminal brain tumor and this family has returned home with hospice care to keep their baby comfortable despite the tumors that have infiltrated his brain and spine. Their faith is strong and they cling to a hope for a miracle, while the medical chance of survival for their child is 0%. <br />
<br />
As Joe and I sat in the back of the church with our two children, we did all we could to stifle the tears. Baptisms are a joyous occasion. The focus should be on the covenant with God that this child is His and He will be with the child. But I'll be honest, as I sat in the back pew of that church, I was asking God "why". I don't do that often because I know God isn't causing the evils of this world. I tend to rest my focus on Jesus, who delivered us from this broken world and made a way that we can all enjoy an eternity in glory. I believe that with my whole being and in every trial we face, I remind myself of this. But watching this sweet and innocent baby being presented before God and the congregation, I had to ask God, "Why this family? Why this child? Why now?" <br />
<br />
As I listened to the music that was played during the service, God worked. <br />
<br />
We sang Big Daddy Weave's "The Lion and The Lamb" that repeats the line: "Who can stop the Lord Almighty?" I began to remind myself that the Lord is still in this fight. He's fighting for and through this child. <br />
<br />
As the song ended and the next began, tears started to flow. It was the song I sing so often through the halls of Cincinnati Children's Hospital. The song that my heart sings so often for my child and many others. "Holy Spirit, You are welcome here. Come flood this place and fill the atmosphere. Your glory, God, is what our hearts long for, to be overcome by your presence, Lord."<br />
<br />
As I was walking to the front of the church to receive communion, the song "Here's My Heart" by Lauren Daigle began. I walked toward communion with these words, "Here's my heart, Lord. Speak what is true."<br />
<br />
God can work a miracle in this child. I don't know if He will but regardless, He is our hope. I've been wearing out the song "Even If" by Mercy Me lately. The chorus says, "I know You're able and I know You can, save through the fire with Your mighty hand, but even if You don't, my hope is You alone." The full lyrics are such a plea to God in a low time and I have felt and said them so often for my child and others. I desperately want us all to be on the other side of our illnesses but even if we aren't, we will all be on the other side of this world soon enough. <br />
<br />
Sunday night was emotional. I was sad and hopeful all together. I questioned and I was answered. It's not about our wants, it's about His will. I give Him my heart and ask Him in return that He will speak to me and through me. I ended the evening hopeful. <br />
<br />
Monday morning, I got a prayer request from a friend who's daughter recently had surgery. Recovery was rocky and they were still in the hospital and things were hard. When I mentioned it to Joe, he encouraged me to go. So many friends have dropped everything and come to be by our side and we know what that has meant. To see a friendly face in the hospital on a hard day can give you the strength to push through. Joe and I see it as our ministry to help families with children with medical issues. Part of that ministry is showing up. <br />
<br />
So I drove to see my friend and her family in the hospital. Her daughter wasn't in the hospital here, but in her local hospital, the same one we believe caused unnecessary suffering for our daughter. The last time I was in that hospital with my child, we left in an airplane heading to Cincinnati Children's. The experience we had in that hospital caused us to have to move for the safety of our child. And now, I was walking in again, to visit friends who were having a hard time there with their child. Now, my friend's doctor is wonderful and much of the struggles of her child would happen anywhere but it was all magnified for me by being back within those walls. As I navigated the halls, my anger rose. As I remembered all of the hurt I had felt there and all the unnecessary hardships that came as a result of that hospital, my heart broke again for not just my child, but for a region of children who only have this as their option. I wanted to make calls and set meetings and tell our story but I remembered, I had, and I had been let down by the administration on top of the let down of the medical staff. <br />
<br />
My drive is so focused on finding a cure, that I often forget that even if there was a cure or safer drugs, so many children don't even have access to decent medical care. So many local hospitals are underfunded and understaffed that mistakes are made. The problem that children with medical conditions face is an uphill battle that takes strong willed parents to fight the fight and find the right medical team to save their child. It's exhausting to think of all we have been through and then to remember that there are hundreds of thousands of families just like ours fighting for the health and safety of their children, it's heartbreaking. <br />
<br />
I drove home sad and tired. I wanted to just put on some comfy pants and lay on my couch for the rest of the day. Instead, when I got home, I hugged my husband and children and then headed out again for a dinner with a special group of ladies. <br />
<br />
The world of cancer and illnesses is full of secret Facebook communities. Many of my closest friends are strangers or people who live far away. I speak with them in forums and Facebook groups and we share and celebrate and cry and laugh and love together. One of these groups is a group of women cancer fighters. (They allow me an exception because of Tillery.) They are from all over the country but there is a small group of them living right here in Knoxville. Last night, the Knoxville group went to dinner. <br />
<br />
I sat at a table with cancer survivors and listened to them just talk of life. They live in the same world we all live in. They dine in the same restaurants and shop in the same shops. But they have differences like numbness in their hands and changes in their tastes from treatments they went through. This group is from a variety of age and social backgrounds but the common bond makes them all the best of friends. <br />
<br />
At dinner last night, God sent me a beautiful sign of hope, again through a baby. The woman who sat across from me, a cancer survivor, was holding her 4 week old baby. She spoke of the struggles of pregnancy after chemo but here she was, a survivor, bringing new life into this world. <br />
<br />
Friends, life is hard. We all have struggles that get us down. But if you open your eyes wide enough, you can see God's work all around you. If you sit still enough, you can feel His comfort. And if you look away from your pain, you can feel His peace. <br />
<br />
<br />
Here's my playlist: <br />
<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rMTfj4xOjZk">The Lion and The Lamb by Big Daddy Weave</a><br />
<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3zARVp3420I">Holy Spirit by Francesca Battistelli</a><br />
<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WTDoDA-1lsE">Here's My Heart by Lauren Daigle</a><br />
<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B6fA35Ved-Y">Even If by Mercy Me</a>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3983648591903062985.post-61914036379783056102017-04-23T04:43:00.000-07:002017-04-23T04:43:23.695-07:00Goals RevisitedLast year on my birthday, I set 4 goals for myself for the upcoming 4 years. - <a href="http://hopetiltheresacure.blogspot.com/2016/04/4-things-in-4-years-til-40-years.html">4 Things in 4 Years til 40 Years</a> <br />
<br />
Now, here I am, another year closer to 40. Another year closer to achieving those goals. So I thought I'd check in and do a little progress report. <br />
<b></b><br />
<b>Goal #1:</b> <b>Make The TIL Foundation a reality.</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
As I began going down the path of making The TIL Foundation happen, I realized I was going to spend so much time and money making our foundation happen that I would miss time and money going into raising awareness and funding a cure. In the Fall, we instead decided to partner with Alex's Lemonade Stand Foundation and created the <a href="https://www.alexslemonade.org/affiliation/til-fund">TIL Fund</a>. This allowed us to organize events in honor of our daughter without having to jump through all the hoops of creating our own 501(c)3. I'm gonna check this off my to-do list!<br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>Goal #2:</b> <b>Raise $100,000 for pediatric brain tumor research.</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
In case you haven't heard, we've got some stuff going on! Here's what's in the works:<br />
<br />
<u>Norwood Elementary Kindergarten</u> - There are 90 kindergarteners at Norwood Elementary and they are gathering change from all over Knoxville for ALSF. In early April, I went in did presentations to all of the kindergarten classes and sent home coin collection boxes for the kids. We have a large container that we have been filling with bags of change that have been coming home in Luke's backpack. These kids are a giving bunch and I'm so impressed by their excitement to help "Luke's sister". <br />
<br />
<u>Go Gray Sunday</u> - This idea has been swirling in my head since 2014, as cards and care packages kept coming in from various churches. Tillery has been on prayer lists across the country and we decided to reach out to many of the churches who have supported us (and others we have met along the way) to have an awareness day. Churches will say a special prayer for families with children with brain tumors, there is an insert for the church bulletins, and many churches are also creating a fundraiser to go along with this day. Go Gray Sunday is May 7th. <a href="http://holston.org/about/communications/the-call/volE17/num7/go-gray-for-pediatric-brain-tumors/">Here is a recent article written about the day.</a> For more information or to be involved, visit <a href="http://gograysunday.com/">GoGraySunday.com</a>. <br />
<br />
<u>Tillery's Hustle for Hope 5k</u> - Our first attempt at a 5k is really coming together. To date, we have 134 registered participants and have raised over $5,000 and we still have almost a month to go! The event is May 20 at Victor Ashe Park in Knoxville but we also have an option to register as a virtual runner for supporters outside of the Knoxville area. For more information, visit <a href="http://hustleforhope5k.com/">HustleforHope5k.com</a>. <br />
<br />
We have other ideas that we are working on for September for Childhood Cancer Awareness Month, as well. After we get through May, we will share more on those plans. <br />
<br />
To date, we have raised $17,563 for Alex's Lemonade Stand Foundation through the TIL Fund! (including funds already raised thru the 5k) I'd say I'm well on my way to $100,000!<br />
<br />
<b>Goal #3: Write a book.</b> <br />
<br />
Okay, I'll be honest...I've done nothing on this one. I mean, I have 3 more years. Cut me some slack!<br />
<br />
<b>Goal #4:</b> <b>See our family be on the healthy side of this diagnosis. </b><br />
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<b><br /></b></div>
<div>
Dare I say it? Could it possibly be true? According to Tillery's neurosurgery and oncology teams...</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
WE ARE HERE!</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Here on the other side of chemotherapy and surgery and hospital stays. </div>
<div>
Here on the other side of pain and hurt and tears. </div>
<div>
Here on the other side of delays and setbacks. </div>
<div>
We are here, where the rest of you are. </div>
<div>
And we are enjoying every minute!</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
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So that's where I am, where we all are. </div>
<div>
3 years to go. 40, I'm coming for ya!</div>
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*Looking for a birthday gift idea? I'd say a donation to ALSF would be awesome!</div>
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3983648591903062985.post-27212872723640654212016-12-08T19:39:00.001-08:002016-12-08T19:39:06.472-08:00No One Fights Alone<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />
It's often said in the childhood cancer world, "No one fights alone.". It's not a solo journey. Lately, I've been reminded of that more and more. <br />
<br />
Yesterday, I reached out to friends and family to call their Senators to ask for support of the Childhood Cancer STAR Act. As I watched my Facebook post be shared and copied multiple times over the past 24 hours and read numerous comments and posts from people who made calls, I was humbled. This is an issue that directly affects my family, my child, and our future. But for many who made calls today, they don't have a direct impact on their lives. People called and shared to help ME, to help MY child, and to help MY family. This issue doesn't affect their lives or their families but they have joined our journey and because they are alongside us, they feel affected. When I saw my friends who have healthy families and friends without children who stood with us and made calls today, it brought me to tears. That's what they mean when they say, "No one fights alone.". <br />
<br />
We have recently partnered with Alex's Lemonade Stand Foundation and have set up a <a href="https://www.alexslemonade.org/affiliation/til-fund">Hero Fund in Tillery's honor. </a>When we were in Cincinnati, ALSF helped cover some travel expenses for us before we were set up at the Ronald McDonald House. When we looked into them more, we learned they raise a lot of money for research and the TIL Fund is set up with all funds raised being used directly to fund pediatric brain tumor research. It's come pretty naturally to us to discuss ALSF and our hopes for funding important research. A few humbling things have happened over the past week. In addition to our usual supporters (thanks Hendleys and Burkes!) we had two donations this week that really touched my heart. The first came last week from my students, who took up a collection to present to me on the last day of class. (Don't listen to all the negative things you hear about this upcoming generation, these college kids have big hearts!) The second was from our favorite 12 year old, Natalie Vaughn. Natalie is a special girl and a great role model to hang around with our kids. On Sunday, Natalie gave me a handful of bills and asked me to put it towards our Christmas Giving fundraising. We have been doing fundraising efforts for over a year and we have so many people who have been involved. There are people who give every time we ask for donations and people who feel led at certain times or events to make a donation. Regardless of when, why, or how much, since our first fundraiser in August 2015, we have raised almost $14,000 for childhood cancer research! That's what they mean when they say, "No one fights alone."<br />
<br />
Tonight, I went to dinner with two friends. I met these ladies when we were each going through some of our hardest days. We met at Cincinnati Children's Hospital. We were all miles from home with sick children and unknown futures. Before going in to meet my friends for dinner, I was texting with a friend who is spending the night tonight at Cincinnati Children's with her child. Earlier today, I spoke with two other mamas I met while living at the Ronald McDonald House. We became a community. Through the hurt that we were going through, we formed unbreakable bonds of friendship. We hugged each other on hard days. We shared meals, Cherry Cokes, and medical supplies. We laughed and cried and told stories that no one else we have ever met could relate to. That's what they mean when they say, "No one fights alone."<br />
<br />
If I haven't said it lately, Thank You! Thank you for fighting alongside us. Our lives were forever changed when Tillery was diagnosed. The change was that we learned that we were not alone. <br />
<br />
<a href="https://www.alexslemonade.org/mypage/1306523"><br /></a>
<a href="https://www.alexslemonade.org/mypage/1306523">To make a donation to the TIL Fund's Christmas Giving, click here.</a> <br />
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3983648591903062985.post-82334361035849668082016-11-13T19:13:00.000-08:002016-11-13T19:16:13.707-08:00I Just Want a Coke!My dear friend, Christina was diagnosed with lupus nephritis a little over 8 months ago. Her symptoms came on quickly and her body was experiencing kidney failure when she was diagnosed. Immediately, she began chemotherapy and started taking a huge regimen of daily medications to keep her symptoms at bay and to allow her kidneys to heal. This all meant that she was immune compromised and the life she was used to living had to be altered. The plans she had upcoming had to be cancelled. Her daily routine became daunting as fatigue set in. Overall, life changed. <br />
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Last week, Christina challenged me to take the Cut it Out 14 day challenge to end lupus. I agreed to give something up for 14 days in support of my friend and will make a donation at the end of the 2 week challenge. Without thinking, I followed the others I saw joining and said I would give up Cokes. <br />
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WHAT WAS I THINKING!?!?!<br />
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Here is what you need to know about me. Every afternoon, I drink a Coke. I've done this for as long as I can remember. When I was working, it was a little pick me up to get me through the rest of the day. When my kids were babies, I planned my Coke time during naps so I could truly enjoy it. When Tillery was in the hospital, there was no "afternoon Coke". I would drink one in the morning, another in the afternoon, and even have another once she went to bed during my unwinding time (don't judge unless you've lived it!). <br />
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I began my challenge last Thursday. I'm literally 4 days in and it's messing up everything! <br />
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Thursday's I teach and I normally get a Coke on my way onto campus and sip on it through my 2 classes. Those little bubbles keep me going through back to back lectures on the same material. Sometimes, I skip my pre-class Coke and instead, opt to get one on my way home. A celebratory beverage after surviving 3 hours of college students. <br />
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Thursday was different. Instead of my peppy Coke during class, I had water. It was fine but not nearly as fun and the ride home without my extra caffeine boost was no fun either. <br />
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Friday, I again missed my pick-me-up and noticed I was getting pretty run down and irritable in the afternoon. I was feeling tired but my usual caffeine boost was no longer an option. <br />
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Saturday was a long day with a big church event that took all morning and kept me busy. I came home and the kids went down for naps and I wanted to do my usual routine. I even thought of cheating and having a Coke to reward myself for the busy morning. <br />
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It was as soon as I had that thought that I immediately flashed to Christina and how much she must wish she could cheat. She has missed time with her daughter and travelling with her husband because of the fatigue. She has missed participating in group meetings and outings because of germs, and when she was able to participate, she had to wear a silly mask that immediately made her stand out in the crowd. She's had to change so many things in her life and give up so many of the things that bring her little bits of joy. The same kind of joy that my afternoon Coke brings me. <br />
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I got sad. I started thinking of all that was running through my head about my Coke and how it all could relate to my friend's struggle. <br />
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"Why can't I just have one?"<br />
"It's not fair that I can't but anyone else around me can."<br />
"Would it really hurt to just do it once?"<br />
"I miss my routine."<br />
"I miss my energy boost."<br />
"I'm sad."<br />
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I am sad! I hate what Christina misses and how her life has had to change. It brings tears to my eyes to think of this sweet friend, who always does for others, having to make sacrifices in her life. To think of how it must hurt and how that hurt probably comes and goes so she never really feels like she's over it. <br />
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For the next 10 days, I will miss my Coke. When Thanksgiving Day arrives, I will leap out of bed and rush to get my favorite bubbly beverage that I miss so much. I will give thanks for Coke! I will also give thanks for my friend, Christina, who is currently in remission. She's done with chemo and done with masks. She's celebrating her life and I'm happy to be a part of it. <br />
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Cheers to you, Christina! (Water cheers while I wait for my Coke!)<br />
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**To donate to the Cut it Out Challege, <a href="https://www.crowdrise.com/Cut-it-out">Click Here.</a> <br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3983648591903062985.post-59340845555225826282016-11-02T06:45:00.003-07:002016-11-02T06:45:55.853-07:00Hope in MilestonesA little over 2 years ago, we travelled to visit a friend in North Carolina. On our visit, he introduced us to his new girlfriend. We really liked her and she seemed to be a good match for our friend. Over the days that we spent with her, something was revealed...she had cancer as a child. <br />
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This was the first time I can remember meeting someone who had cancer as a child. I remember thinking it seemed odd. After all, you don't hear a lot about kids having cancer and I just imagined them bald and sickly in a hospital bed. I couldn't picture what they might look like if they survived and grew up. Did they survive? Did they ever recover? <br />
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I didn't think too much on it and I didn't really ask her much about it. We enjoyed our visit and then came home with hopes that we would see this girl again, as she seemed like a good partner for our friend. <br />
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I thought of her again a few months later, on the day that my daughter was diagnosed with cancer. As my mind immediately conjured up those images of bald, sickly children in hospital beds, I remembered our friend's girlfriend. She was an adult, lived on her own, had a job, and appeared very normal. She made it! I started trying to think of her every day. As we sat in the surgery waiting room, I thought of her. As we started chemotherapy, I thought of her. As my child had scars, bald patches, and started to look sick, I thought of her. <br />
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I didn't know her well. I only spent a few days with her and I couldn't really remember what we had talked about. Just normal stuff. She was just a normal person. In the scary days at the hospital, I clung to those very normal, almost non-memories I had with this woman. She was the face of survival for me and she was what I hoped my child could grow up to be. <br />
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Tomorrow, Joe and I travel again to see these friends. This time, we are going for their wedding. When Joe got the call from our friend to let us know they were getting married, I cried tears of joy for our friend. We love him dearly and I was so happy that he had found his match in life. <br />
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Then, I cried a different kind of tears. I thought of all this girl had gone through in her childhood. I thought of how much was stolen from her in life because of her diagnosis. I thought of the things she probably missed out on and the things she never thought she would get to do. I thought about the milestones in life we all experience and was so overcome by thinking of this girl who survived so much to be able to get to this moment to walk down the aisle. <br />
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Saturday, I will be joyful, like many, over the union of these two who are so right for each other. But Saturday, I will also be filled with another emotion...hope. Hope for a future filled with milestones and normalcy.<br />
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Congrats Chris and Sara! May you experience all of life's milestones together!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3983648591903062985.post-25809836479744535352016-08-22T13:00:00.000-07:002016-08-22T13:00:46.098-07:00Back to SchoolI started my first teaching job at Walters State Community College the same week I found out I was pregnant with Tillery. For 2 semesters, Tillery attended every class I taught right along with me. At the end of the year, my students left for fun filled summer adventures and I went home and put my feet up and await the arrival of our sweet Tillery. <br />
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This week I'm going back to teaching, but this time it will just be me. After having Tillery with me for every class I've ever taught and then spending the last 23 months dedicated to taking care of her, I'm going out on my own. <br />
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For these past few years, I've often thought of what it would be like to go back to working. On some days, I've longed for this day while other days I've feared it. While going back to work gives me some independence and also means that Tillery is doing really well medically, there is still fear. The biggest fear is an emergency arising and me not being able to get to her. It's been so amazing to be able to always be with her and I thank so many faithful supporters who have financially contributed to our family over the past few years so that I could always be with her. <br />
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But it's time to step out of the fear. She's been really healthy for about 10 months, she's been eating by mouth for about 8 months, and she's been walking for almost 5 months. She's no longer the sick little girl that kept us on pins and needles. She's now a sassy little chatterbox who is super independent. <br />
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As I go back to the classroom tomorrow, I do so as a very different person than I was 4 years ago. I believe my time with Tillery has made me a better person in many aspects of my life as she has made me much more empathetic. I'm excited to begin down this road again and see how our story continues to unfold. <br />
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On a related note, I've often spoken about my Ronald McDonald House friends. We lived under the same roof while we were all experiencing some of the hardest days of our lives. We were each other's support and family so that we never went through any of it alone. I want to give a shout out to my old housemates who are also out in the working world again, doing an amazing job of keeping on in this world, even after hardship. <br />
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So way to go Leslie, Mary Ann, Sandy, Cassie, and Julia! And an extra high five to RMH dad, Brandon, who left the RMH and went back to school to become a nurse! I thought we'd never see the "real world" again!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3983648591903062985.post-4720371067290341302016-07-12T19:29:00.000-07:002016-07-12T19:30:10.971-07:00Circle Me, Lord<div style="text-align: center;">
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Circle me, Lord.<br />
Keep protection near and danger afar.<br />
Circle me, Lord<br />
Keep hope within. Keep doubt without.<br />
Circle me, Lord.<br />
Keep light near and darkness afar.<br />
Circle me, Lord.<br />
Keep peace within. Keep evil out.</div>
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<i>Prayer by David Adam. </i></div>
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For the past few weeks, our church services have started with the reading of this prayer. I have not yet been able to say all of the words before tears begin to well up in my eyes and my voice catches. </div>
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Three weeks ago, we came to Norwood United Methodist Church to attend for the first time the church that our family would be serving in ministry. My husband would begin preaching the following Sunday so our first Sunday we planned to just worship from the back pew and observe. This was the first impression I had and I knew that God was speaking to me during this opening prayer. </div>
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We moved three weeks prior to my daughter's surgery and packing and unpacking boxes was a nice way to take my mind off of the looming date. Whenever I let my mind wander, the fear is always there. The fear I experience isn't about the surgery itself. Instead, I'm taken back to the paralyzing fear from November 15, 2014, the fall that caused it all. The time I laid my daughter down and turned my back just long enough for our lives to be changed dramatically. </div>
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I hate to always talk about that day. I really hate to relive it daily. But the truth is, I see that moment in my mind almost every single day. I see her hit her head on the wood floor. I see her face, red and crying, as I picked her up. I see her eyes flutter as Joe and I shouted her name and shook her. I see Joe run out the door with her, heading for the hospital. It's with me, always. </div>
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Friday's surgery should resolve all issues that remain from the fall. From brain bleed and bone flap removal to bone replacement followed by the bone recessing, my child's skull has not been round and there has been a visible reminder to me daily of the accident that almost took her away. </div>
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Following the night of the fall, I struggled with my faith in a way that I never have since accepting Christ as my Savior. My child had been spared, but I felt so undeserving. I doubted myself and questioned my ability to keep her safe. I was living in fear and while I was so thankful to have her, for the first time, I began to feel like that would not always be the case. After being so positive for so long, I had hit the bottom and did not know how to come back up. </div>
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One night was especially awful. I wrote <a href="https://www.caringbridge.org/visit/tilleryisloved/journal/view/id/547a1850ca16b498764188b9">this blog</a> about the nightmares I experienced nightly. After my writing and the prayers of so many faithful prayer warriors, things began to improve. I let go of the fear that was controlling me and began to trust God again to lead my path. </div>
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As we prepare for this surgery that will finally leave my daughter with a round head and remove the physical reminder of that dark time, I have felt some of the fear coming back. It's as though I'm being reminded that our time is not promised. Like my nightmares many months ago, Satan is creeping into my life and telling me to be fearful. </div>
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This week, when I feel the pull to fear I've been instead saying "Circle me, Lord". What a beautiful mantra to carry with me this week! I encourage you to read it again and join me in asking the Lord to circle us all. He is our protection, our hope, our light, and our peace. May we feel Him circle our lives. </div>
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Circle me, Lord.<br />
Keep protection near and danger afar.<br />
Circle me, Lord<br />
Keep hope within. Keep doubt without.<br />
Circle me, Lord.<br />
Keep light near and darkness afar.<br />
Circle me, Lord.<br />
Keep peace within. Keep evil out.</div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3983648591903062985.post-67394658755925793062016-07-07T11:33:00.000-07:002016-07-07T11:33:40.691-07:00What Kind of WorldIn recent months, we've been fed a lot of fears. Here is a short list of things we have been told to fear: bathrooms, gorillas, nightclubs, Muslims, transgender people, guns, alligators, foreigners, police officers, radicals, conservatives, liberals, Mother Nature, and everyone running for president. <br />
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Over the past few months, so many friends have made social media posts that make mention of the "kind of world" they are living in or their children are growing up in. I understand the fears because so much we see is scary. There are so many people or things that would or could hurt us. I also know that we are not meant to live our lives in fear. <br />
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I know I am a white woman. I know I am a straight woman. I don't go to nightclubs or Disney, either. So in many ways, I'm on the outside. I don't know what it is like to be judged by my skin color or my spouse. I have a master's degree and while I'm not rich, I've never experienced true poverty. I can sympathize but never empathize on many accounts of struggles. <br />
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What I can offer is love. It may sound silly and like that's not enough. "Oh, love, like that's gonna save us!" Maybe it won't keep me from harm or you from harm. But, we are called to love our neighbors. It's the biggest Bible takeaway after "<i>love the Lord your God</i>." (Matthew 22:37)<br />
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I've been doing a Bible study on 1 John and there is a verse I read recently that sums it up. <i>There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.</i> 1 John 4:18<br />
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No fear in love. If we focus on God's love towards us, what have we to fear? I don't want to die but if I did, I know I will be with Jesus and free from the worries of this world. And if we show love to others, we show them God and give them the power over fear. <br />
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I know this seems very simplified and doesn't sound like it will solve anything. But honestly, is your Facebook post of fear solving anything? Do you think rules, government, signage, language, or elections will solve it? We can't wait on some major shift to happen without making minor changes ourselves. How about starting with love?<br />
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Instead of asking "What kind of world are we living in?" we could exclaim "What kind world we are living in!" <br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3983648591903062985.post-65123839953183245762016-07-05T08:42:00.000-07:002016-07-05T08:42:27.980-07:00God Helps Us Handle What We Are GivenPeople often try to offer comforting and encouraging words to me as I care for my daughter with childhood cancer. One of the things that people say is "God only gives us what we can handle."<br />
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I want to discuss this phrase. <br />
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To start, let's look at the first part, "God gives us". This tells me that God has given me this situation. So when you say this to me, you are saying that God has placed that tumor in my child's head. God gave me a sick child. God is the reason that my child has cancer. <br />
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If I were not a believer in God, I'm not sure that would make me very interested in learning more about Him. <br />
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Then, let's look at the second part, "what we can handle". I assure you, <i>I </i>cannot handle this. This mass in my daughter's head wasn't placed there because God knew that I could handle it. I'm not any more equipped to handle it than you or anyone else. <br />
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Again, if I were not a believer, I would think that God obviously does not know me very well if He thinks this is something that I can handle. <br />
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Now, let's look at what the Scriptures say about troubles. <br />
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The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed, <br />
a stronghold in times of trouble. Psalm 9:9<br />
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Though I walk in the midst of trouble,<br />
you preserve my life;<br />
you stretch out your hand against the anger of my foes,<br />
with your right hand you save me. Psalm 138:7 <br />
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In this world, you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world. John 16:33<br />
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Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4<br />
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These verses tell us that we will face troubles. Hard times will come. Not that He will send them, but that they are there. The verses also say that God is our stronghold, He saves us, He has overcome the world, and He will comfort us. It isn't about what <i>we</i> can handle but what <i>He</i> can handle alongside us. <br />
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Perhaps, instead of "God only gives us what we can handle." what should be said is, "God helps us handle what we are given." <b></b><i></i><u></u><sub></sub><sup></sup><strike></strike>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3983648591903062985.post-62437885085882764732016-05-17T18:49:00.001-07:002016-05-17T18:49:59.663-07:00Hush Little BabyTonight, I did my normal nighttime routine. Put the kids to bed and flopped on the couch to scroll through my Facebook feed. <br />
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The first post was from a friend, another brain tumor patient's mom. It wasn't just any Facebook post, it was THE post. The post I've seen too many times in my news feed. The post that says hospice has been called in. And just like every other friend who has lost or is losing a child, she requests "hold your babies a little longer and tighter each night". <br />
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Immediately as I finished reading the post, my daughter began to cry. I went back to her room and asked "what's wrong?". Her response, like every night when she cries out, "I want you hold me". Most nights, I tell her that I can't hold her but I will sit in her room for a few minutes or I will sing her a song. Tonight was different. Tonight, I snatched her up and hugged her close. <br />
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We got in the rocking chair and as tears flooded my face, I tried to sing to her. The song I sang is the same one I sang every night when she was a baby - Hush Little Baby. When my son was first born, I started singing it to him and realized halfway through I didn't know the full song so after "if that looking glass gets broke", I added "mama's gonna buy you a Cherry Coke" and then made up ridiculous lyrics to end the song. <br />
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While I sang tonight, I thought of the lyrics - both the real ones and those I made up. It's all about a mama who will stop at nothing to make her child happy. It begins "Hush little baby, don't say a word, mama's gonna buy you a mocking bird..." and continues to offer more and more gifts if the previous doesn't work. As I was singing, I thought about my friend and her daughter. For the past few years, all she's been doing is jumping through hoops to try to save her. Trying different medicines, radiation, chemotherapy. Everything she could to help her baby.<br />
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When I finished the song, Tillery looked up at me and asked, "Why you crying?". I said, "Because I love you so much." She just looked back at me and said, "Oh, I love you so much."<br />
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I held her longer and hugged her tighter, just as my friend requested and then sang one last song - Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus. It's the song we sing every night at bedtime and her little voice chimes in with me:<br />
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"Turn your eyes upon Jesus<br />
Look full in His wonderful face<br />
And the things of Earth <br />
Will grow strangely dim<br />
In the light of His glory and His grace."<br />
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Tonight, I am sad for my friend but I am so thankful for a loving God who has promised us an eternal life with Him. If we turn our eyes to Him, the things of <i>this</i> world will be dimmed and all we will see is His glory and His grace. <br />
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Hug your kids and teach them to turn their eyes to the One who can give them everything they need. The mocking bird. The diamond ring. The looking glass. Even the Cherry Coke. <br />
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For those who MUST know, here are my lyrics to Hush Little Baby. Enjoy!<br />
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Hush little baby, don't say a word, mama's gonna buy you a mocking bird.<br />
If that mocking bird don't sing, mama's gonna buy you a diamond ring.<br />
If that diamond ring turns brass, mama's gonna buy you a looking glass.<br />
If that looking glass gets broke, mama's gonna buy you a Cherry Coke.<br />
If that Cherry Coke goes flat, mama's gonna buy you a ball and bat.<br />
If that ball and bat aren't good, mama's gonna buy one made of wood.<br />
If that wood gets eaten by mites, mama's gonna buy you an airline flight.<br />
If that airline flight gets booked, mama's gonna buy you some food that's cooked.<br />
If that food is not very tasty, mama's gonna take it away very hasty.<br />
And once that food is taken away, Til and Mommy will go and play.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3983648591903062985.post-33789353938427435662016-05-06T12:31:00.000-07:002016-05-06T12:31:20.630-07:00Confessions of Super MomOnce my child was diagnosed, everyone started commenting on how strong I am and what an amazing mother I am. Some days those compliments are encouraging but many others, they just feel like a lie. <br />
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I have often said that whatever your hardest mom thing is, it's still valid and it's still really hard. My hardest days might look harder to you but in reality, we all experience things on a relative scale to what we already know. <br />
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Before my daughter was diagnosed with a brain tumor, she had only had well child visits at the doctor. However, my son had pneumonia twice when he was about a year and a half old and both times resulted in ER trips. Those ER visits were a terrifying blur for me. Remembering holding him while they tried to start an IV, my heart still aches. It was the absolute hardest thing I had ever experienced. Ever. <br />
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Now, with my daughter, when we have to go to the ER, I take a shower before, pack a snack, and come in like I own the place. I walk to the desk and tell them that we need to go straight back to a room because she has a compromised immune system. When the nurse comes in, I give her the specifics on her port, the best supplies to use, and how to hold it and her to get it on the first stick. I ask for toys, drinks, snacks, whatever I want, as though I'm some A list celeb that can make crazy demands. I don't fear the hospital anymore because it's become a comfortable place. <br />
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I have taken my daughter to the operating room 12 times. I have slept on the blue vinyl pullout couch/bed more nights than I care to remember. I have held my daughter while someone put stitches in and when someone took them out. I have had to give her medicine and give her injections. I have been trained on how to maintain a PICC line, a port, and a feeding tube. I have been covered in vomit, blood, urine, poop, stomach contents, and cerebral spinal fluid. <br />
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But, it's all relative.<br />
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To those who think I'm super mom, to those who think I'm doing something you could never do, let me give you my list of limitations. <br />
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I cannot volunteer in my kid's class. There are too many kids, they are very loud, someone has a runny nose, and quite frankly, I'm scared. <br />
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I cannot do Pinterest. Any of it. Baking, crafting, decorating, none of it. When someone shares a Pinterest idea with me, I just shut down. <br />
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I cannot juggle multiple kids' schedules. Last summer my son took swim lessons 2 days a week and my husband had to take him because I could not remember that on top of my daughter's busy schedule. I don't know what I will do if they both decide to become active!<br />
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I cannot plan a birthday party. My son turns 5 Monday and his party is tomorrow. I verbally invited a few people this week and today I gathered some generic party stuff. Know what the theme is? Birthday party.<br />
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I cannot clean my house. I'm a stay at home mom who's house looks like a bachelor lives here.. I wish it wasn't so messy. I just don't know how to do it. Seriously, to clean, I just move the mess from one room to the other, or sometimes, from one counter to another.<br />
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I cannot make plans. I would love to have people over (the kind of people who overlook my messy house) but I just never invite them. I would love to have a girl's night out but I never think to plan one. I would love to do play dates, I just need someone else to plan it. <br />
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We all have the things that we just don't think we could ever do. Often, we just hang up on those things and we forget all the awesome things we can do. Come on ladies, we birthed these people! (Or adopted them, in which case you jumped through some crazy hoops and just getting fat for 9 months probably looks easy!) You keep them alive, daily! Some days, you don't think you will survive, and then you do. You survive so that you can do another unsurvivable day the very next day! <br />
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So, to the mom who has medically fragile kids, I salute you, Super Mom!<br />
To the mom who is the Room Mom, I salute you, Super Mom!<br />
To the mom who has more kids than hands, I salute you, Super Mom!<br />
To the mom who has lost a child, I salute you, Super Mom!<br />
To the mom who is still in pajamas, I salute you, Super Mom!<br />
To the mom who reads "Hot dog, Hot dog, Hot diggity dog" and sings it, I salute you, Super Mom!<br />
And, to all the moms who are surviving this thing called motherhood, I salute you, Super Moms!<br />
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3983648591903062985.post-85898660418466515142016-04-28T11:42:00.000-07:002016-04-28T11:42:14.563-07:00Making Our Normal NormalWe've tended to keep our physical therapy at home. The leg braces and gait trainer that assist my daughter in standing and walking are usually replaced with cute pink princess shoes for "going out". Recently, as she's started doing more standing and walking, the equipment has left our home and started traveling with her. <br />
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This week, something amazing happened. <br />
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I made a decision to take her "as she is" to pick up my son from his school. We arrived early to allow time for her to make her way from the parking lot to the classroom. She had her braces on her legs and her bright yellow gait trainer for support. She would take a few steps and then stop to talk about the wind in her hair or the birds she could hear in the trees. Slowly, slowly, she got all the way to the main doors. There were a few others approaching the doors with us and they all smiled and patiently waited while Tillery worked her way through the opening and into the hallway. <br />
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As she proceeded down the hall, parents and children encouraged her and cheered her on as she headed for her brother's classroom. It warmed my heart to hear the support and see people genuinely happy to see her getting around. My fears had been that people would gawk at her and kids would make fun but instead, all I saw was love.<br />
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Leaving the school, another mother told me that her daughter used to have a gait trainer. She said her daughter had hydrocephalus and a VP shunt (just like Tillery!) and that it took her a long time to get the hang of walking. She encouraged me by sharing that now her daughter is 5 years old and is well adjusted and you wouldn't know the obstacles she has overcome. I really appreciated her sharing her daughter's story and was thinking of how encouraging everyone had been as we made our way out of the school. <br />
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Tillery walked all the way to the car and I got the kids buckled into their seats and the gait trainer put back in the back. As I looked back at the school, I saw the mother who told me about her daughter coming out with her child. I was amazed to see her daughter was a child I had recently spent time with on a field trip. She was right, I never would have known the struggles she faced earlier in life. I smiled as I thought of my own daughter and the obstacles she has overcome that people around her would never know. <br />
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The day I took my daughter out with her braces and gait trainer, I embraced the life we are living. I accepted that this is what it takes to build strength and make advancements. In a world where we sometimes feel different, I made our normal normal. Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3983648591903062985.post-79634336420347869382016-04-23T11:45:00.001-07:002016-04-23T11:45:44.192-07:004 Things in 4 Years til 40 YearsToday marks 4 years until 40 years for me. Forty seems to be such a milestone and often people make goals or a bucket list of things to accomplish. I decided to go simple: <br />
<br /><br />
4 Things in 4 Years til 40 Years<br />
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1. <strong>Make The TIL Foundation a reality.</strong> A busy life with two kids makes getting the momentum behind this foundation much harder than I thought. In the Fall, Luke starts Kindergarten and we hope to start Tillery into some sort of day program that will allow me some uninterrupted time to focus on making this launch really happen.<br />
<br /><br />
2. <strong>Raise $100,000 for pediatric brain tumor research.</strong> This seems lofty but I figure if I set an easily attainable goal, I'll allow myself to underperform. Reality is, I've always been an overachiever so if I set a high goal, I'll work as hard as I can to get there. (Note, this goal can only be accomplished with the assistance of my super awesome family and the support of everyone reading this and everyone you know. I'll be calling on YOU for your time, your money, your resources, whatever. Get ready!)<br />
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3. <strong>Write a book.</strong> I've said many times over the years that I may write a book one day and now seems like a good time. For friends who have been with me through the years, you know I have plenty of material to pull from so perhaps a series is in order!<br />
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4. <strong>See our family be on the healthy side of this diagnosis. </strong>Having a sick kid is hard. Having a sick kid who looks healthy can be even harder. The day to day challenges aren't always visible to outsiders and even sometimes we forget how different our situation is from the norm. We have made it through some really hard times and some kinda hard times and now I'm ready to coast. We know there are a few more surgeries and chemotherapy in the near future but by this time next year, we may be through all of that. We have a very good chance of spending less time in medical offices and more time on playgrounds, ball fields, school hallways, etc. <br />
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I feel every single bit of my age. I have earned these years. I'm ready to make the next ones really meaningful. Who knows where this may lead? I'm ready to jump out there and try some things. <br />
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Thank you to my awesome and supportive husband who believes in me. Thank you to two crazy kids who inspire me to make this world better. Thank you to all of you who encourage me and our family as we go through life.<br />
<br /><br />
<br /><br />
(If you are interested in getting the ball rolling on #2, you may make a donation to The Cure Starts Now online <a href="https://curestartsnow.z2systems.com/np/clients/curestartsnow/donation.jsp?campaign=383&">here</a> or you may send a check to The TIL Foundation; 9508 Dayton Pike; Soddy Daisy, TN 37379.)<br />
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<br /><br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3983648591903062985.post-22141880036758604912016-04-13T20:15:00.000-07:002016-04-13T20:15:32.865-07:00Sometimes You Gotta Feel ItYou know the feeling when you went through your first breakup and you felt like everything in your life was falling apart? You were sad and hurt and you couldn't imagine ever moving past those emotions, but people kept telling you that things would get better. <br />
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Remember being pregnant and feeling like you were as big as a house and how uncomfortable you were? Unsolicited people everywhere would come up and say, "You're going to miss this special time."<br />
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And when your kids were babies and you were up and down all night long and all you wanted was sleep and people would tell you "they're only little once"?<br />
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Remember the thoughts in your mind about those people? Even if what they said was their way of trying to be helpful, sometimes it just wasn't. Sometimes you wished everyone would leave you alone and let you live in a hole. But, of course, as soon as everyone would leave you alone you would start to wonder where they all went and why no one cares. <br />
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Having a sick kid is like the first breakup, 40 weeks pregnant, and the first month home from the hospital every single day. <br />
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I want people to read my mind. I want people to know exactly the right thing to say or I want them not to talk at all. I want people to be funny when it doesn't feel right and to cry with me at weird times. I want to speak the running commentary in my head and for people to understand what's going on. <br />
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To all of my friends and family who I have stared at blankly, not responded to, or seemed agitated with, this is what I'm dealing with. <br />
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People love to remind you to be positive and that things will get better. People love to be a cheerleader and believe in miracles. People love getting in your corner. <br />
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What people don't always know is that some days, I need to be down. Some days, I want to feel the sadness, the disappointment, the hurt, or the loss. Some days, I want to do nothing. Some days, I want to eat chocolate peanut butter straight out of the carton. (Ok, every day I do that.)<br />
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Recently, my daughter's surgery was postponed. I've been mentally preparing for this surgery for 6 months. I was prepared for a major surgery with some pretty big risks. About 2 weeks ago, we changed the scope of the surgery to be less risky and I was so relieved! I could not explain that relief to anyone because I had not fully explained the fear that I felt for this surgery. I had a very true and very real fear that I may lose my daughter or lose some part of who she is in that operating room. For months, it's been weighing on me and in one short phone conversation, that weight was lifted. <br />
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Once the scope changed, my mindset changed. I was so ready to get this surgery done and to move on with recovery and the next phase of treatment. Then, last week, she spiked a fever from a quick bug and it affected her white blood count. For her safety, surgery has been postponed. <br />
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I don't have a rescheduled date yet, I can't start planning for it, and everything I had planned has changed. So now, my mind is racing with all the "what ifs" and scheduling concerns. I'm not happy with the new options on rescheduling because now I'm wide open but postponing falls into a busy time on my calendar. I had finally gotten to a place where I was at peace with surgery and now everything is changing and the uneasiness is back. <br />
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So, of course, the comforting words have come. Let me throw out a few things. <br />
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- I rationally can understand that surgery when she isn't well is a bad idea. <br />
- I know that her health is more important than my calendar.<br />
- I understand that God has perfect timing and He will be just as present with us on the new date as He would have been on the original date. <br />
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Let me also throw out something else. <br />
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- It still sucks. <br />
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Remember that when you are looking at the big picture and trying to provide comforting words, there is still a person living in that situation right then. They can't always pull back and look at the big picture because they are scraping by in the day to day. Yes, it's awesome to find the positives in a yuck situation but sometimes that person needs to feel the yuck before they are ready to zoom out and move past it. <br />
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So, let them cry into their pillow over lost love. <br />
Let the mom-to-be gripe about how she's outgrowing maternity clothes. (Seriously, it's a thing.)<br />
Let the new mom recount the last time she slept for 'x' amount of hours straight.<br />
And for me, just let me whine about my calendar!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3983648591903062985.post-23592434626808423262016-01-08T18:47:00.000-08:002016-01-08T18:47:03.632-08:00ChoicesI heard a story yesterday that has stayed with me. A family travelled from Alabama to Ohio for treatment for their daughter at Cincinnati Children's Hospital (the same hospital that cares for my daughter). While their daughter was recovering from surgery, hospital staff found the mother dead in the child's room from an apparent drug overdose. The father was passed out in the bathroom but was revived by the team that was supposed to be attending to his sick child. Both parents had guns found on them. The mother was gone and the father was arrested. The child was left alone. <br />
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There are many reasons to be bothered by this story...the drugs, the guns, the children who will suffer. The thing that I keep thinking about is what was going on in the minds of these parents. What makes you think you need to have a loaded gun with you when you enter a children's hospital with your baby? What makes you think you should bring needles and heroin with you into your child's hospital room? Those questions I cannot answer. <br />
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There is one question that I can address, though...What makes you do something extreme, crazy, or even possibly out-of-character when your child is in the hospital?<br />
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I haven't crossed a line to the extent of these parents but as a parent of a child that has spent a lot of time in the hospital, I've done and said things that I later wished I had not. Watching your child endure surgical procedures and medical treatments and miss out on normal childhood development and playtime is very trying on parents. It takes a toll on you and pushes you to near breaking points. Everyone handles the stresses and pressures that go along with this life differently but the thing that gets you through one day and wakes you up to start the next is a choice. A choice to see either the horrible, awful, and hurting that surrounds you or the good, kind, and loving. They are both there.<br />
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This choice is not easy. Every day the choice is before you. Sometimes multiple times a day. I'll be honest, I don't always make the right choice. Sometimes the hard is too hard and I feel like I'm drowning. Sometimes it feels like its more than I can handle, more than anyone could handle. There are times that you want to not have to feel that anymore. <br />
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Drugs are not the answer. Guns are not the answer. Hurting your child is not the answer. Hurting yourself is not the answer. <br />
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The choice is the answer. <br />
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I've met people who endure so much pain as they watch their child suffer. In many cases the suffering lasts for weeks, months, or even years. Sometimes the children do not survive and those parents must continue on without their children. These people can still smile, still laugh, and still find joy. <br />
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There have been two Ronald McDonald House mamas who were living in the house at the same time as me who were arrested in the hospital for endangering their child. One of those moms I talked with daily. I ate meals with her and she was a friend to me at a time when things were very hard. I would have never guessed that she was doing the things that were videotaped of her doing. Her life was hard, her child was sick, and she made a choice. <br />
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I'm not defending the people who have done some very bad things. I'm saying that there is something that happens when you are pushed to the edge. In a split second, you don't always know what choice you will make. <br />
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So what helps you make the right choice?<br />
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Surround yourself with loving and supportive people. If you don't think you know anyone like that, keep looking until you find them. You may also need to let go of the people who are not loving and supportive. <br />
<em></em><br />
<em>My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. </em>John 15:12-13<br />
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Constantly be on the lookout for blessings around you and focus on them. Even in some of the hardest and lowest times with my daughter, I could always see blessings. If you start noticing them during your good and neutral times, it will help you find them in the hard times more easily. <br />
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<em>The Lord bless you </em><br />
<em>and keep you;</em><br />
<em>the Lord make his face shine upon you</em><br />
<em>and be gracious to you;</em><br />
<em>the Lord turn his face toward you </em><br />
<em>and give you peace.</em><br />
Numbers 6:24-26<br />
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Know that even if the worst case scenario happens, you can handle it. We have been told on a few occasions that our daughter might not survive for one reason or another. That is my worst case scenario. The way I handle that is to constantly focus on the fact that this world is a blip on the radar of God's plan for us. We are promised Eternal Life if we believe in Jesus Christ and follow Him. Eternal Life means that an Earthly death is not our end and does not have to be feared. <br />
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<em>For my Father's will is that everyone who looks to the Son and believes in Him shall have eternal life, and I will raise him up at the last day. </em>John 6:40<br />
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You always have a choice. And the best part is, if you make the wrong choice, it's not the end either.<br />
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<em>Repent, then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord. </em>Acts 3:19<br />
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3983648591903062985.post-32549628316528299162016-01-02T18:22:00.001-08:002016-01-02T18:22:38.798-08:00Blessings of Sick Kid WorldWhen our daughter was diagnosed with a brain tumor a little over a year ago, we entered a new world - Sick Kid World. Sick Kid World is very different than the world I was living in before. While I would give anything to have never had to enter this world, I am grateful for the lessons I've learned and the bonds I've formed here.<br />
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In Sick Kid World, the parents are all supportive of each other. No one cares about bottle feeding vs. breast feeding, cloth diapers vs. disposables, spankings vs. time outs. We live in a world of life vs. death. If your child is making it, keep doing what works. We don't judge and we don't make fun of one another. We are supportive. We uplift. We encourage. <br />
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In Sick Kid World, the parents allow themselves to not be perfect. We don't have time or energy to keep up with the Joneses. Instead, we try our hardest to do all we have to do and try not to stress the rest. If someone comes by the house and dishes are piled in the sink, it's ok, it's life. If we never do a Pinterest craft, we're okay with that. Our families eat three meals a day but a few of those might be takeout. And, we may rarely wear make-up, jewelry, or real clothes, but we often wear a smile. <br />
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In Sick Kid World, others around us show us love. We get cards from friends and family but also complete strangers. We have a prayer network that is bigger than our friend network. When people learn that we have a child who is sick, they offer to help in any way they can. People are kind. Kinder than they ever have been before. <br />
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In Sick Kid World, the kids are kids. Often, as parents we say, "don't play with that", "don't do that", "don't run", "don't talk too much", "don't, don't, don't". In a world where our children spend too much time in hospitals and at doctor appointments, we cut them some slack to be kids. And it's not only the parents but others around them. I often have people from church come and tell me, "we love hearing your children play during church". Normally, noisy children can be seen as a distraction or annoyance but when people know of a sick child's story, they smile when they hear them laughing, playing, or even fighting with their brother.<br />
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I've formed the strongest bonds of my life with other members of Sick Kid World. In our previous lives, our paths may never have crossed and we may not have had much to talk about. In Sick Kid World, we strip away everything that matters in the "real world" and we are just our real, raw selves. We talk about more than just our sick children. We talk about the blessings we see around us, the things in our lives we are grateful for, and the hope we all share. We celebrate together and we grieve together. We are the truest form of real. <br />
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So yes, I have a sick kid, but I am richly blessed. My world is loving, supportive, kind, and encouraging. I wish that described everyone's world. <br />
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3983648591903062985.post-10244974870432348442015-12-20T12:15:00.000-08:002015-12-20T12:15:48.801-08:00Christmas HopeChristmas can be stressful. So much to do. Shopping, wrapping, cooking, decorating, lights, sights, parties, traditions, family, friends...<br />
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Last year, Christmas changed for our family. We were living in two places, Tillery and I were in Cincinnati at the Ronald McDonald House while Luke and Joe were at home in Chattanooga. It was hard to feel in the "Christmas spirit" as we were two halves, missing our whole. We weren't doing our normal Christmas things like putting up a tree, shopping for gifts, or planning family gatherings.<br />
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Instead, each half was doing it's own thing. Tillery and I attended the Ronald McDonald House Christmas party, we met 7 Santas, we decorated Christmas ornaments that would hang on a tree that was not our own, and we met many wonderful people who gave up their time to help make our holiday special. Joe and Luke attended church Christmas festivities, ate a lot of takeout, came home to an undecorated house, and saw Christmas hustle and bustle happening around them but weren't a part of it.<br />
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The week of Christmas, things got crazier as Tillery and I were both diagnosed with the flu and were put on isolation precautions in the hospital. We were finally discharged from the hospital on Christmas Eve and Luke and Joe drove up late that night, arriving in the wee hours of Christmas morning. <br />
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We did not shop or wrap or go or do. <br />
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We woke up in a small room together. We opened donated gifts from the Ronald McDonald House. We ate a meal prepared by volunteers. We enjoyed each other and were grateful for all of our blessings.<br />
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It was a very humbling and growing experience. It allowed us to put our focus on what Christmas is really about: The Hope that comes from Jesus Christ.<br />
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See, our faith doesn't lie in the baby in the manger. Our faith is in the Risen Savior He becomes.<br />
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The Bible tells us, "For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through Him." John 3:16-17<br />
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And there it is! God sent His Son, that baby born humbly in a manger, to SAVE the world! <br />
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Christmas is the time we celebrate not just the birth of Jesus, not just the life of Jesus, but the purpose of Jesus. He came to save us all. He came to give us the greatest gift of all. Eternal life. <br />
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This Christmas, try to take a deep breath. Try to look around and actually see the blessings in front of you. Remember, we have already been given the greatest gift. The gift of HOPE for eternal life. <br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhF-Vn3rlWp55Zy8nEpUI37uhAF85pvBzZeI2_ZR2Yei_XNUWt9j-uyTnCqTM9gPlcOhP93UV2Q16H96j0ya1qk8bBnqsC1RibrS5HzNuJgUhC1DcQHpzdzWfTdryJPiA4pQOrAjUelr3la/s1600/grinch.jpg" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhF-Vn3rlWp55Zy8nEpUI37uhAF85pvBzZeI2_ZR2Yei_XNUWt9j-uyTnCqTM9gPlcOhP93UV2Q16H96j0ya1qk8bBnqsC1RibrS5HzNuJgUhC1DcQHpzdzWfTdryJPiA4pQOrAjUelr3la/s320/grinch.jpg" width="320" /></a>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3983648591903062985.post-75327119961978441472015-11-24T20:38:00.001-08:002015-11-24T20:38:40.598-08:00Thankful for the GoodOne year ago today, my daughter was discharged from the hospital. Leaving the hospital should be a happy time but instead it was a tough one. Tillery had had a fall that caused a brain bleed. In order to allow room for the swelling in her head, doctors had to remove the bone on the right side of her head. That bone was put in a freezer to be replaced months later. So, you see, when we left the hospital, we didn't take home a whole and healthy child. Instead, we left with 95% of her and a piece of her would remain with them. <br />
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When we left the hospital, we crossed the street to a place that had been our "home away from home" for a little over a month, 350 miles from a place that we called home. We were thankful to be out of the hospital for Thanksgiving but we knew that it would still be a hard day. On a day with so much hype for traditions and family and being "home for the holidays", it was hard to find joy in eating a meal that wasn't made by my family, in a place that was still unfamiliar, surrounded by people we didn't know well. We did have some amazing family members who came to celebrate the day with us and everyone did the best we could to make the day happy. <br />
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The ugly truth was, I was not at peace. I was not thankful. Instead, I was terrified. <br />
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Tillery's fall hit me hard. It was the first time I really thought about what it would be like to lose her. It was more than I could handle. I started having nightmares. I would stay up really late at night, just watching her and when I finally had to close my eyes, my head was filled with sadness and loss and horrifying images. I would wake in a sweat with the memories of my dreams haunting me. <br />
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Finally, one night, I had had enough! I was tired of living in fear and being controlled by these visions. I prayed that God would end the dreams for me, that He would push Satan out of my head, out of my room, and out of my life, and that I would find peace in the way things were. Then I found this verse:<br />
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"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28<br />
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I realized that God was with me. Not only was He with me, He was working for good. I also realized that as much as I wanted her to come through this all and as much as that was going to be my prayer, if she did not survive this, God was still going to work for good. He would see me through. I prayed that I would remember this and that I would hold on to that faith that He was in control and that He would always work for good. <br />
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And then I had peace.<br />
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Then I slept. <br />
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On Thursday, we will be at my parent's house. We will eat a meal that my mom will prepare, filled with our family's cherished recipes. I will be surrounded by my family, including a whole and healthier Tillery. I am thankful for where we are a year later. I'm also thankful that even if we weren't in this same place, God would still be working for good. <br />
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*To my friends who lost children this year, you are always in my prayers. I'm thankful for your children and what they taught me. Remembering Levi, Easton, Parker, Eliza, Dominic, Rana, and Bennett. Thank you for sharing them. <br />
<br />
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3983648591903062985.post-14055060790160671942015-09-13T06:26:00.000-07:002015-09-13T06:39:19.217-07:00Hope from a TeenagerHope is often found at times when you don't expect it. Times when you're at your lowest. Times when things are the hardest. Those are the times when you are grasping for hope, and also the times that you tend to find it.<br />
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Last November, we almost lost our daughter. After a scary fall, 911 call, ride with the EMS, visit to the ER trauma bay, and an emergency surgery, she was saved. While she was healing, I was falling apart. I was realizing that she was very delicate. I was learning that small things could become big things. I was seeing that just because cancer might not kill her, so many other things could. I still very much believed that God was with us. I was very certain that we would get through whatever came at us. But I was losing hope that things would turn out positively. I was terrified that I was going to lose my daughter too soon.<br />
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After many days in the hospital, the telephone in the room rang. I answered and a woman I had never met was on the line. She quickly explained that she was a friend of a friend and had heard about my daughter and wanted to come for a visit while she was in town. I was not really in the mood for visitors, especially visitors I didn't even know. I was too busy being down on myself and down on the situation. I didn't know how to tell her no so I said it was fine for her to come up.<br />
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The woman and her teenaged daughter came in the room. They were beautiful! Hair and makeup done, cute clothes, everything opposite of what I looked like after living in the hospital. Don't get me wrong, they were very nice. They brought Tillery a gift and she seemed to like them. The visit was going fine and then the woman explained why she had come.<br />
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Years ago, when her daughter (the teenager with her) was 16 months old, she was diagnosed with a brain tumor. They were told that her tumor, like my daughter's, would not be able to be surgically removed and would have to be treated with ongoing chemotherapy. She described the months that followed and they sounded exactly like where we were. She shared her fears and feelings and they mirrored mine at that exact moment. Her story was my story. And THAT is why she had come. She wanted to show me the future. Her beautiful daughter, who was given a devastating diagnosis and a long list of limitations was now an honor student, cheerleader, and pageant queen! They had smiles on their faces as they described using hairpieces during pageants at times when chemo thinned her hair. They talked about using treatment trips like vacations and coming to town early to lounge by the hotel pool. They were so positive about things!<br />
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They restored my hope!<br />
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I encourage you to do the same! We all have things that are hard for us. We all battle giants that not everyone else understands. When you find someone battling the same giant, share your story. If you have been there, tell someone about what it's like on the other side.<br />
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We aren't on the other side, yet. We have passed the critical start and now we are in the middle. Even in the middle, I try to share the hope that we have found.<br />
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Even in the darkest times, we can call on Jesus. He will carry us through whatever we face. And at the end of the day, it is His promise of Eternal Life that fills us with HOPE! We desparately want a cure. We also know that even without a cure, we still have hope!<br />
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<i>Keep yourselves in God's love as you wait for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ to bring you to eternal life. Jude 1:21</i><br />
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3983648591903062985.post-32742771650202656112015-08-31T20:17:00.000-07:002015-08-31T20:17:33.097-07:00Hope from a DiagnosisSeptember is Childhood Cancer Awareness Month. For us, September is also diagnosis month. September 30th will make 1 year that we have been living with this diagnosis of a pediatric brain tumor. <br />
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Throughout this month, I'd love to give you some facts, statistics, warning signs, and general information about childhood cancer to help raise awareness. To start, though, I'd love to give a little hope from the past year. <br />
<br />
Tillery loves to smile! She loves laughing with Luke and they play in a way that only brothers and sisters play. She loves to talk to Nana and Poppo on FaceTime and even likes to turn the camera around so they can see her toys and what she's playing. She babbles a lot and will copy anything you say. She even sings sometimes! <br />
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A year ago, Tillery had stopped being the happy child she was as a baby. She cried and fussed a lot and was almost impossible to console. She made a few sounds and could say "mama" and "dada" but wasn't consistent with them. She would not imitate sounds. <br />
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Tillery loves to crawl! She is a fast mover and will crawl all over the house. If you are holding her, she's always saying "I wanna down". She plays chase through the house with Luke and they even play their own version of hide-and-seek. At church, I have to get on to her for crawling all over the sanctuary and in-between pews! Sometimes I lose her! <br />
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A year ago, she had almost stopped crawling completely. She could barely sit up on her own and had to prop herself up with one arm because she lacked balance and coordination. At school, the teachers would pick her up and move her around the room to be where the other kids were because she didn't have the ability or energy to follow them from one center to the other. <br />
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Tillery works very hard to learn new things! Therapy is very hard on her physically and emotionally but she's making huge strides. She will tolerate some weight bearing on her legs, she is able to stand for 30 minutes at a time in her stander, and she will "walk" in her gait trainer to get to something she's interested in (Luke or our dog, Emma). <br />
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A year ago, we had stopped trying to get her to learn new skills. She showed no interest and we didn't know why she wasn't progressing. We didn't know if she had physical or mental limitations and we didn't want to push her to do things that would injure her. We were waiting for someone to tell us what she could do. <br />
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Tillery is not a typical 2 year old. She has limitations that many 2 year olds don't have, but that isn't want makes her atypical. Tillery is a miracle child! She is living with 90% of her original tumor still in her head! She has endured a surgery that lasted longer than she is normally awake in a day! She has made it through a surgery that started with serious conversations about the unlikely chance of her surviving! She has had to wear a helmet, be fed by a g-tube, take various medications including chemotherapy, use a stander, gait trainer and leg braces, and has faced every challenge with a smile on her face and a side pony tail!<br />
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Tillery is a face of childhood cancer but childhood cancer is not her identity. <br />
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3983648591903062985.post-21448804673071722432015-08-28T18:40:00.000-07:002015-08-28T18:40:27.856-07:00Hope from a HurricaneTen years ago, my world was torn apart by Hurricane Katrina. Three months before, I had moved to New Orleans and started work at a fabulous advertising agency. I had just started feeling at home when a storm changed the entire course of my life. <br />
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To take you back to 2005 Alana, I was stuck in a life that was okay and I wasn't looking to break out of my comfort zone to find a life that was amazing. I was dating the wrong guy, living in a dumpy apartment complex, and living paycheck to paycheck. I wasn't a church goer and really had nothing and no one that I put faith or hope in. I had a handful of friends that I kept in touch with from college but no real post college friends. I dreamed of being a big advertising executive one day but wasn't confident enough in myself to get there. <br />
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The Hurricane Katrina came and saved me.<br />
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Let's fast forward to 2007. I relocated to Chattanooga, TN after the storm and had been working at an advertising agency in a job that I loved. I had made some wonderful friends, had an active social life, and even bought a house. The most important part of my transformation was joining a church, joining a Sunday school class, joining a women's small group, and then allowing Jesus into my heart. <br />
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I was so pleased with my new life and felt led to join a mission group from Chattanooga on a trip back to New Orleans. I felt like it would be good closure to go back and see everything one more time. I wanted to be a part of something positive since the last time I was in New Orleans it was a very horrible time. <br />
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On September 9, 2007, I met the group I would be working with for the week in New Orleans. Before we left Chattanooga, we had to make a stop at a church to pick up the pastor there who would also be joining us. We pulled up to Brooks Memorial UMC and on the front steps sat a man I had never seen or met before. Ten months later, he and I sat on those same steps and talked about our hopes and dreams for the future as our wedding rehearsal dinner was going on across the street. Our favorite wedding photo was taken on those steps. <br />
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See, Hurricane Katrina shook up my life. It tore apart all of the things that were happening in my life. It left me broken. And as I started to rebuild myself, I realized that I needed to be broken so that I could start fresh. Once I was broken, I was able to see a need for a Savior who I had never known. Once I started to understand God's love for me, I was able to love myself and realize that I was worth more than just settling. Once I could accept God's love as sufficient, I was open to see the man He had found for me, sitting on the front steps. <br />
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For 8 years together, Joe and I have had a relationship that has been rooted in our faith. During happy times we have praised God and during hard times we have prayed to Him. We have always believed that He is a part of our relationship and He is leading our family. <br />
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When Tillery was diagnosed with a brain tumor last September, it was hard to hear. It's been hard to adjust to this life of hospitals and sickness. I hate what my daughter has lost. I hate what I have lost.<br />
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BUT, God has already seen me through one storm and look at how awesome that turned out!<br />
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God is with Tillery. God is with our family. And I will praise Him in this storm!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0